bə-lō'nē mō'gəls(n.pl.) 1. A group of drinkers with a shredding problem. 2. The combination of snow, booze, and metal.


Jackson Hole (Or How this Mountain Will Kill Us All)

This is a clip from the 2008 Quicksilver Natural Selection at Jackson Hole last year. All of the terrain they are riding is open to the public and easily accessible by the tram. March is looking to be a dangerous month for the survival of Boloney Moguls.

Whistler Blackcomb: The Most Metal Mountain Ever? (Tumblin' Gondolas)

A contender now emerges from the "True North" in the next installment of The Most Metal Mountain Ever: Whistler Blackcomb.

The good:
  • Two mountains, one resort - Nearly an 8000 foot altitude on both Whistler and Blackcomb.
  • 10,000 feet of vertical spread between the two peaks.
  • Over 200 trails
  • Gondolas that take breaks from time to time with the whole "not falling down and stranding 53 riders" thing.
Wait, WHAT??

So it seems that in a freak accident of some sort, a gondola tower - which was built in two pieces, surprisingly snapped in half - with 30 cars on the wire. Don't worry though, as CNN reports "at least two gondola cars hit the ground after the accident, both from relatively low heights near the tower that split and caused the system's heavy cable line to slacken."

Whistler sure knows how to bring the excitement to the ski hill, they even make the gondola rides more thrilling: "One hit a bus stop and the other hit a house," Noble said. "Another one was suspended over a creek, but everyone is out of that car."

And then, there's this frenchie: "Plante, from Vancouver, was visiting the ski resort when the gondola snapped. Plante said he planned to go skiing Tuesday morning, but changed his mind." Changed his mind??? Really, after everything this mountain offers, especially the radical cable car rides into freezing abysses? You're going to turn that sort of service down? Shame on you, you hockey-loving, poutine-eating Canuck. You sir, have wasted an opportunity for a granly day.

When Moot Assbute finishes construction (delays, cost-overruns, and beer attacks stifle progress), I for one, will guarantee detachable tower gondolas on the premises. And, you'll never know if you're in the lucky gondola car that will land in the bar when the tower snaps or the fiery pit of despair.

But I digress. It certainly seems as though the wonder from up yonder could in fact be the Most Metal Mountain Ever, but there are some cons.

First of all, the mountain is in Canada. The only good things to come out of Canada are Les Stroud and poutine. Well really, that seems to be the only thing stopping the mountain from achieving some of the highest marks yet received in this competition.

In summary Whistler Blackcomb is clearly one of the Most Metal Mountains ever and this incident is sure to keep it high on the list. Now to find some poutine.


Spicy Boule Weekend (Continued)

In the next installment of the Illustrated Rendition of the Spicy Boule weekend, BP presents his take on:

A Very Naughty Lunch
: Boules, Drinks, and Yes, I Really AM.

Survivorman: Vermont (Planning)

With the cost of Christmas weekend hotels, motels, and places you'd like be murdered if you stayed at near ski areas absurdly high, we've had an epiphany: Let's just Survivorman it.

Of course for the ill-informed, Survivorman is the greatest program ever. It features Les Stroud - outdoorsmen, harmonica player, Canadian - stranded in some austere location for seven days and he teaches us all how to survive, while filming his adventures. He's survived in the arctic circle, the jungles of South America, the deserts of Africa, and the barren tundra of Alaska. If he can do it, we can do it. Come on, I've watched nearly every episode.

So instead of a fancy pants "hotels" or some place with "heating," we'll just survivorman it in the mountains of Vermont, alone, with all of us together. What could go wrong?

Now of course this leads to the planning phase of the operation. What supplies must we have to make it through such an ordeal?
  • Beer (You need to go native and see what sort of supplies the land offers. In this case, VT is abundant with Long Trail Ale. That most likely will be our prime source of valuable vitamins and nutrients.
  • A red onsie - preferably with SOS sewed in neon green, on the inside.
  • 120 pounds of camera gear equipped with 500 hand warmers. As I've repeatedly found in my many survival ordeals in the great mountains of Colorado, my piece of shit camera freezes unless it is strapped with many chemical handwarmers. Easy solution to get good footage.
  • A gun with one bullet - just in case things get desperate, or I want to go chipmunk hunting.
  • Harmonica
  • Water bottle full of gasoline - could there be an easier way to guarantee awesome fires? I think not.
  • Cool wHip
Certainly some more updates to this list will be required, but planning has already begun. Now to leave you with Les Stroud and the Pikes, singing the immortal anthem, I Am Canadian:


Snowbird: The Most Metal Mountain Ever? (Frostbite and Avalanches, Oh My)

In the first installment of "The Most Metal Mountain Ever," we have a competitor from the Mormon peaks of Utah, Snowbird. They've received 11 inches of snow in 48 hours. And I'll quote the mountain's weather report for more highlights:

"There is currently a high wind advisory which may affect the operation of our tram and chairlifts."

And if that isn't fun enough:

"There is currently a frostbite warning. Please dress appropriately.

While these three factors would already make it a strong contender, then there is this (Emphasis Mine):

An avalanche occurred Sunday, Dec. 14, 2008, at Snowbird Ski & Summer Resort on
High Baldy, hike-to terrain on the east side of the resort. A female skier from Salt Lake City was recovered from the debris at 1:18 p.m. and was transported to University Hospital via Air Med in critical condition. Following an exhaustive search of the area using seven avalanche dogs, probes and avalanche beacons, the search has been called off. A witness reported the avalanche at 12:24 p.m. using a cell phone. The terrain opened at
9:30 a.m. Snowbird has received 9 inches of new snow in the last 24 hours, 13 inches in the last 48 hours and 93 inches season-to-date. Agencies assisting in the rescue effort include: Snowbird Ski Patrol, Salt Lake County Search and Rescue, Wasatch Backcountry Rescue and Unified Fire Station 13, as well as avalanche dog teams from numerous Utah resorts.

And now an update from the Salt Lake City Tribune:

Gross was skiing with a group of friends on Mount Baldy about 12:30 p.m. when the avalanche swept down the Eye of the Needle area, midway down the mountain, said Snowbird spokesman Dave Fields.

She was found alive but unconscious by rescuers with a probe, said Salt Lake County sheriff's spokesman Levi Hughes. She was in extremely critical condition when she was flown to University Hospital, where she died.

So to summarize, Snowbird had an epic Avalanche yesterday that killed one person and used the press release about said death and avalanche to brag about the 13 inches they received in the last 48 hours and the 93 inches they've received this season. Yeah, that's pretty metal.